Independent?

Some people think that i think too much, far too much for my own good. Maybe its the way i was brought up, i question, question and then again ask more questions. Pardon me for i probably just love the word "why".

Succumb to pressure to always say "yes"? Finding urself hard to reject or say "no" to someone? Sometimes, i just think it is the best to reject someone outright in their face if u don't want to do or have anything to do with something. It is always better to say no than to let things drag for the longest time. Both parties will get tired. Some poor "rejected" souls harbour false hopes. This isn't only applicable to relationships..but just simple things like saying no to an outing perharps.

Subjected to approve(always) in order to keep in the group? Why? Acceptance? Is it that important? We were created in such a manner that we bond, live in groups, eat together...Are we? Sometimes, i don't understand why people are so reliant on the word "dependance". I don't understand how some gals can order others to do stuff for them when for obvious reasons, they are able to do it themselves.

Thus, it probably brought about this 'hard-core' character of mine. I probably and yes i do, strongly believe in independance. Of course, like all humans, there are times whereby i will be weak too and feel a need to depend on someone. However, and probably unfortunately, there are just so little times whereby i allow myself to be that manner. The certain group of pple that i talk to frequently will call me emotional. How emotional am i? Blame me not for this certain group of people have always failed me, repeatedly. Everytime when i feel myself opening up a little more, just a little more, then somehow, i always have this feeling of uncertainty. Then, i clamp up. Like how you always have this fear of being overly controlled when that someone has a hand on you when they know too much about you. I am secretive? Maybe..

Maybe, the main issue came about due to trust. Trust isn't something that comes easily for me. I will look, observe and speak carefully with people. Its only after a long time do i actually open up to you. Many times, people just give up for they find it too taxing to talk to someone like me. Well, overtimes, i came to understand that it is the people who bother to stay and listen are those that are worthy of my time. Time isn't on my side. I admit, i lost many friends, both potential and worthy ones through this character of mine. I think too much. Seriously, i applaud those who stayed after so many years. I think i have too much problems, and not everyone will always be there to listen. Talk to me and i will try to be as objective as possible. Many are prejudiced against me due to this possibly weird behaviour of mine. Basically, i am probably one of those secretive lost souls around.

Don't get me wrong, i listen too. I always enjoy 2 way conversations whereby both parties get to voice their views. Listening to what the other has to say allow me to understand the character of the other party. Sometimes, it is through these kinda times spent that both get closer to each other. I give alot of advices according to those that have received them. I used to get thank you cards in sec school from acquaintances who received one of these kinda "auntie" talks from me. Haha. I didn't let these kinda physical happiness get to my head, nor will i ever gloat about them. For they are nothing compared to the peace and realisation experienced by those i have spoke to. I don't fancy lending helping hands..but most of the time, i just say what i feel. I might have hurt quite abit by my frankness. But that is just probably the way that i am.

I love reflecting on my life to see what might have went wrong..thus, learning from them. I cry too little and sometimes, i wish i was more expressive. Love those that i care about but they never seem to understand.

Sometimes, i hate the attachment that i have with that certain someone. He never fails to make me feel that i am the sillest goose on earth. My care always went to the drain and appreciation was never there. I think i knew what went wrong. But i was never sure. For never once did he tell me what the problem was. However, we did have our good times, and i am thankful for it. Comfortable silence with him is one of the best things that happened to me. Never once did i felt that way. I am sad that things had to end this way..but the crux of the problem was probably coz none of us ever shared how we felt towards each other. It probably wasn't a bgr love love kinda thing but more of..like how two friends are just totally comfortable with each other so much as to talk about anything under the sun. One of the impending problem was how we never shared how we felt..like how two friends don't share about their dislike towards a certain issue or a particular behaviour. Everything was kept pent up. This probably led to the explosion of each..on both sides..at different times. I felt that he didn't care. He probably felt the same way too. For...maybe..things don't matter that much anymore. I might be lying. Who knows.

For now..maybe i am just a confused soul who doesn't know what she wants..:)
Why do i care so much? I wonder..